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Dating is hard enough for most people, but it gets even more complicated if you’re a demisexual. Dating apps, hook up culture, and the emphasis that social media puts on physical appearance – these are all things that make it difficult for demisexuals to navigate relationships and their sexuality.
In this blog, we’re going to answer every question you might have about demisexuality, including “what does demisexual mean?”, “is demisexuality REAL?”, and perhaps the most important one of all: “am I a demisexual?”
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Demisexual Meaning: What Is Demisexual?
To define “demisexual”, we need to take a look at why the term was coined in the first place.
The word was first used in 2006 on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network forums by a user named sonofzeal. He described how he couldn’t be sexually attracted to someone without some having sort of friendship or emotional bond first. He said he wasn’t quite asexual but also not completely sexual either; thus he called it “demisexuality”, or halfway between non-sexuality and sexuality.
What that basically means is demisexuals may experience sexual attraction to someone, BUT only after they’ve formed an emotional connection first. Another similar demisexual definition is that sexual attraction comes from romantic attraction first.
People who identify as demisexual may also use the label grey ace/asexual, which refers to people who may experience sexual attraction but only rarely or under specific circumstances.
The Demisexual Flag
The demi flag uses the same colours as the asexual flag: black to represent asexuality, purple for the community, grey for grey-asexuality, and white for non-asexual allies and partners.
The Difference Between Sexual Attraction And Emotional Connection
Demisexuality is perhaps one of the most misunderstood sexualities on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. This is because non-asexuals (or allosexuals) have a difficult time grasping what it means to experience sexual attraction in a very different way.
For most people, sexual attraction can happen under any circumstance. Maybe you swiped right on a cute guy on Tinder, or perhaps you saw a gorgeous woman standing by the bar. You are immediately drawn and attracted to them, even if you don’t know who they are, solely based on their physical appearance and sex appeal.
But for demisexuals, it happens a little bit differently. This doesn’t mean that demisexuals don’t experience sexual attraction at all; they actually do, but not to random hot strangers.
Demisexuals need to get to know someone first and form an emotional connection. Once a friendship is already established, sexual attraction can start to grow.
Is Demisexual LGBT?
Because demisexuality isn’t about your gender identity or the gender identity of the person you’re attracted to, some people argue that demisexuals aren’t part of the LGBT community.
There’s also the idea that demisexuals aren’t an oppressed minority in the same way that lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and transgender people are, so their inclusion in the community feels appropriative. Some members of the LGBT community feel that including hetero-demisexuals (or demis who are exclusively attracted to the opposite sex) take away the spotlight from the other identities who need it the most.
But there is also the argument that the LGBT community is open to all identities and sexualities that aren’t exclusively heterosexual and cisgender. After all, the acronym is no longer just LGBT but LGBT+, with the + sign implying that demisexuality (and queerness, pansexuality, and asexuality) can fit the bill.
Lastly, if you’re asking yourself, “am I demisexual or asexual?”, you’re definitely not alone. Because demisexuals don’t experience sexual attraction in the same way as most (and usually not as often), demisexuality is considered as part of the asexuality spectrum.
Can You Be Demisexual And Bisexual?
One of the interesting things about being demisexual is that you can adopt other labels as well. You can be demi and straight, demi and gay, and yes – demisexual and bisexual.
Think of it this way: being hetero/homo/bisexual tells you who you could be attracted to, while demisexual sort of outlines how you could be attracted to them.
Some grey aces may choose to identify as demisexual but append it with a romantic orientation like heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or even demiromantic as well. This is because sexual orientation (who you want to have sex with) and romantic orientation (who you want to have a relationship with) aren’t always the same thing.
You can also be demisexual and transgender, gender fluid, or non-binary. Your gender identity and expression have nothing to do with your sexual or romantic orientation.
How To Know If You’re Demisexual: The “Am I Demisexual” Test
We see you Googling “demisexual quiz” and “demisexual test”, but we’re not going to tell you who you are. Instead, we’re going to ask you a few questions. If you answer yes to more than half of these questions then that might indicate a tendency towards demisexuality.
- Have most of your relationships started from a friendship?
- Are you generally uninterested in blind dates, dating apps, one night stands, or going out with strangers?
- Do you rarely have crushes, and when you do, it’s always on someone you already know?
- Are you most attracted to someone’s personality rather than their looks?
- Is sex not really that important to you?
- Have you ever been called a prude, traditional, or old-fashioned because of your dating habits?
Conclusion
Demisexuality is by no means a new concept, but it’s definitely not as visible as the other LGBT+ identities. Because of this, most demisexuals grow up feeling confused, isolated, and lonely. Many don’t even know that they are demisexuals. But more and more people are talking about it every day, sparking necessary conversations, and helping people everywhere discover who they truly are.
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