Are you struggling to have sex? Separating your identity from being a mother or grandmother can be a difficult thing to do, especially when it comes to your sexual pleasure.
When you’re constantly giving to others, there’s often little time or energy left for yourself, says Lovehoney’s sexologist Christine Rafe. A number of women often experience some sort of shift in their identity post-motherhood, feeling pressured to be selfless or nurturing all day and night.
“That can lead to guilt or disconnect from self-pleasure,” she tells New Idea.
“For some, it can even feel indulgent or unnecessary when, in fact, it’s an important part of staying connected to your body, your needs, and your sense of self outside of your role as a mum.”
Almost 70% of Aussie mums rate their libido as low, according to new research from Lovehoney, and 40% say their sex lives worsened postpartum. In fact, 42% of the women in the study said they hadn’t engaged in any form of self-pleasure in the year after giving birth.
Some women report feeling ‘invisible’ as they age or believe they’re less sexually desirable, according to Lovehoney, which affects their willingness to be touched or initiate intimacy. Similarly, Christine suggests becoming a grandmother “can also reframe how a woman sees herself as more of a caregiver than a sexual being.”
“I always remind women that sexuality doesn’t have an expiry date, and there are many women having satisfying sex into their 70s, 80s and beyond,” she says. “With the right tools, information, and support, pleasure can still be a deeply fulfilling part of your life … Sexuality is a lifelong part of your identity, not something that ends when you become a parent or a grandparent.”
Exploring your own pleasure
About 1 in 4 Aussie mums felt that a drop in body confidence was to blame for their shift away from sex, while a third simply cited their low libido as the main demotivator.
It’s important to figure out what makes you feel good again. This could come in the form of a new toy, a sensual massage oil, or just setting aside alone time, Christine says. The sex expert also recommends talking to other women, reading stories from others in similar stages of life, or speaking with a health professional.
“When you give yourself permission to experience pleasure without guilt, you begin to shift those internalised narratives,” she explains.
“Sexual energy is a powerful force, and we can encourage it as a way of fostering more energy in our days!”
Intending to shatter the stigma of sex after motherhood that’s often left in the dark, Lovehoney has recently published The Mama Sutra – a free e-book offering mums and mums-to-be the advice and support they need about sex and intimacy at all stages of motherhood.
To make your life even easier, Christine has shared the top 5 quintessential tips for mums looking to kickstart the road back to pleasure! But first, we’ve put together a list of the best tools to help you achieve that goal faster and with further enjoyment. Remember, it’s about the journey … not the destination!
The 4 best sex tools to boost your pleasure
Best for: Solo and Couples Play
What do you get when you combine the wealth of knowledge from Lovehoney’s pleasure experts with Womanizer’s revolutionary air technology? This wonderful whiz of a clitoral suction toy. The sleek and ergonomic design of the Pro40 allows for seamless use, whether you’re using it with a partner or for some solo play. It also comes with six intensity levels for a gradual build that’ll leave you in absolute bliss!
Best for: Couples Play
The perfect oil for a slow and sensual massage, this gorgeously fragrant strawberry oil is also delicious – yes, it’s flavoured! Whether it’s for relaxation or as a sexy little opener to an evening of delights with your lover, this flirtatious product is the perfect pal to join in on the fun. (Not suitable for those with a nut or sesame oil allergy).
03
Best for: Solo and Couples Play
This bad boy might look slightly intimidating, but it’s your newest best friend! Enjoy 12 levels of delicious intensity from both the clitoral stimulator and the curved G-spot stimulator for an unforgettable journey of pleasure. The blended orgasms will have you questioning why you didn’t invest in this slice of ecstasy sooner.
04
Best for: Solo and Couples Play
It’s the gel that keeps on giving! Rub a small blob of the non-greasy gel into your clitoris or labia 10 minutes before play for an enhanced pleasure boost that’ll take your orgasms to the next level. Use this before partner play for a mutual pleasure enhancement or combine it with one of the clitoral suction stimulators for a big O’!
The 5 top tips for mums looking to get back on the saddle
If you’re struggling to get intimate, whether through self-pleasure or with a partner, then you’re not alone. Christine shares her top five tips for a mum looking to get back into the groove.
Start with self-connection:
“Carve out solo time to reconnect with your body and pleasure. Whether that’s through mindful touch, breathwork, or a favourite toy. If you’re feeling really disconnected from your sexuality and genitals, remember that pleasure is holistic and not just sexual, so start with non-genital touch like giving yourself a whole-body oily massage. Exploring your own pleasure can help reignite confidence and desire.”
Communicate openly:
“If you have a partner, talk honestly about where you’re at emotionally and physically, and don’t be afraid to ask your partner for anything that could support your desire, pleasure, and arousal. Consider what can support you feeling more connected to yourself, your partner, and to pleasure, and talk about these things.”
Use products designed for your body:
“Menopause-friendly lubes, toys with gentle vibration, and body-safe massage oils can make a world of difference. Lovehoney’s Ignite range, for instance, is designed to support pleasure at every life stage.”
Challenge the inner critic:
“That voice that says ‘I’m too old’ or ‘it’s too late’ isn’t the truth. It’s a reflection of societal narratives that are steeped in patriarchal perspectives and not actually based in reality! Try to replace those thoughts with affirmations like “My pleasure matters” or “I deserve to feel good.” Positive affirmations help rewire the neural pathways in our brain so with time we start to unconsciously have more positive beliefs, replacing the negative and unhelpful ones.”
Seek pleasure in the everyday:
“Feeling sexy isn’t just about the bedroom; it’s about cultivating joy and confidence in daily life. Wear something that makes you feel good, move your body in a way that brings you pleasure, or indulge in small sensual rituals like a bath or scented body oil.”
