Do you feel like there’s something missing from your sex life? Or perhaps the spark with your partner seems like it’s fizzling.
Whatever the case, Womanizer ‘sexpert’ and sex and relationship therapist Christine Rafe is here to help.
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What is mindful intimacy?
Mindful intimacy, or slow sex, has a focus on presence and pleasure rather than performance and end-goals.
It’s aligned with the idea that most people aren’t having sex for the purpose of reproduction but rather pleasure and connection, but what are the best sex methods?
“Most of us learnt about sex through sexual health ed – with a penis-centred script that sees penetration as real sex and ejaculation as the goal,” says Christine.
“Mindful sex is almost the opposite of what we’ve been told sex should be.”
Can better sex help my relationship?
If you’re keen to keep the spark alive long-term, Christine suggests focusing on intimacy that’s worth wanting. The best sex methods are often about connecting, rather than feeling rushed, painful or emotionally distant.
“Slowing down removes any urgency and pressure – both of which are libido killers,” she says.
What if I find being ‘in the moment’ tricky?
If you’re struggling to stay present while giving and receiving pleasure, Christine suggests going back to basics.
Start with practising solo, non-sexual mindfulness activities such as slowing your breath for two minutes, paying attention to what you feel as you inhale through your nose, breathe into your belly and exhale.
She also suggests movements like slowly swaying your hips from side to side, noticing the sensations of tension and release, and inviting some touch – whether to your hips, inner thighs or even more intimate areas.
“Becoming more in the moment is a learned skill, so practising on your own helps build and strengthen neural pathways in your brain and body that make being present more accessible,” Christine adds.
“Once you’re feeling good about being present in solo activities, you can then integrate the slow techniques into masturbation or sexual touch with a partner.”
How can I bring up the concept without causing offence?
When discussing your desire to have more mindful sex, focus on what’s been working well on top of what could improve.
Chances are the suggestion will be better received if your partner doesn’t feel they are doing something wrong.
“I also find it helpful to acknowledge that most of us haven’t been taught about pleasure-focused and mindful intimacy, so it’s something you can learn about together,” Christine reminds us.
Three tips to staying ‘in the moment’ during sex
For the best sex, try adopting the following methods for grounding yourself:
1. Focus on the five senses – your partner’s touch, the taste of each kiss, your partner’s scent, the sound of their breath and watching it all unfold.
2.Breathing slowly can reduce any fight or flight-type feelings.
3. After-care is important! Cuddle and chat with your partner.
Christine’s recommended conversation starters
At the end of the day, the best method to improving sex in a relationship begins with communication. Try these starters:
1. “I love when we take our time together. It makes me really want you, and the sex feels great when we’ve teased each other. Can we go really slow tonight?”
2. “I was remembering when you/we used to X – that felt so good! Can we do that more?”
3. “I would love to make more time for intimacy where we don’t have to rush or we aren’t about to sleep. What do you think?”
4. “I’m learning about how my body and arousal works and it’s quite different to a penis. Can we talk more about this, or can I show you what I’m learning?”
