In ‘Not Fair’, a song about a sexually selfish lover, Lily Allen sings “Now I’m lying in the wet patch in the middle of the bed, I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by, I spent ages giving head”.
It’s pretty clear that Lily feels totally let down in the bedroom by this otherwise supposedly perfect partner. Firstly, there is a gentlemen’s agreement about equal time when giving head. Secondly, it sounds like it’s taken quite a long time to get this guy going.
We’re here to help Lily. It’s not fair and it’s really not ok. You have done the mature thing and communicated your displeasure via the medium of song. That’s the first step. He needs to lift his game.
Lily with the right technique, you can give a more intense short form blowy going forward which may make things less of a chore.
But before we get down to bizniz, here are the blow job basics.
What does a blowjob actually mean?
Well it isn’t blowing fresh air on to your partners penis, which is one literal interpretation. A blowjob means you make your partner ‘blow his load’, ie. release his semen ie. ejaculate ie. come, by taking his penis in your mouth and sucking.
The History of fellatio
The name is said to originate from Victorian times when it was known as a ‘Below Job’ as it was below the belt. In the 1930′s ‘blow’ was popularised as slang for ejaculation. Thus the progression of the name.
Actual blowjobs themselves date back way further than this. In his book the History of Fellatio Thierry Leguay provides evidence that the practice dates back to ancient Egypt and possibly further to “Paleo-Fellatio”.
Anne Boleyn, who received the ultimate head job from her husband King Henry VIII, was said to have used fellatio as a tactic to woo the King away from his then wife, Catherine of Aragon.
In fact, it has been such normal practice through the ages that it’s rare to find a culture that doesn’t engage in fellatio. Although, oral sex of any kind is frowned upon amongst Intuits as well as some African and Islamic circles. You’ll even find it on the Discovery Channel with a multitude of animals from bats and bonobos to dolphins and dwarf guinea pigs all getting in on the act.
Blowjob nicknames
While it’s medical name is fellatio, there are some truly comical slang terms used to describe the act. So, in alphabetical order…
BJ
Bob some knob
Blowy
Get your knees dirty
Give a blowy
Give a gobbie
Give head
Go down / Go down town
HJs (Head Jobs)
Hummers
Play the pink oboe
Play the skin flute
Road head (head given to driver)
Slurpin’ the gherkin
Sucking dick
Suck off
What does a blowjob feel like?
In Sex Ed, my very unsexy science teacher described the feeling of a good blowjob as “just like winning a 100m dash”. Great teach, but now the mental image… Most men describe it as an insanely pleasurable, pulsating feeling then relief. When you are having one nothing else matters.
How long does a blowjob take?
Well if you ask a guy, the response will be “as long as it takes”. A quick search of online forums will tell you they usually last anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes. Try not to be a clock watcher – we know the word ‘job’ is in the title but it shouldn’t be viewed as one.
Alright, enough with the flirting, let’s get on with the foreplay. Cue the Barry White music.
Tips and advice for first time blowjobbers
Now, a penis is not that difficult or unforgiving. It is not, after all, the violin. Having said that, giving head is an extremely intimate act and amateur players can do with some tips on how to prepare and what to expect. An old work colleague remembers being told by her boyfriend to “just think about it like eating an icy pole”. Here’s just a little more intel..
1. Be prepared for the many and shapes, sizes and cuts penis’ come in.
2. Lube his penis with your saliva.
3. Go slowly at first –take his penis in your mouth little by little to avoid gagging. Kneeling or having him stand above you is a good way to control this.
4. Open your jaw to avoid a collision with your teeth while still keeping suction with your mouth.
5. Gently start sucking and moving your mouth up and down the shaft of his penis.
6. Place one hand at the base of his penis and gently move it up and down in rhythm with your mouth. You can fondle his balls with your other hand if that’s what he likes.
7. Discuss what will happen when he ejaculates, (before you start). Will he pull out or will he come in your mouth? Whether you spit or swallow is your call.
8. Speak up if hygiene is off and gently suggest a steamy shower for you both.
9. Practice safe sex. Not so fun fact, women with herpes can infect men. On top of this, if you don’t know your partner’s HIV status, use a condom as tiny cuts or ulcers in your mouth are ideal entry points for the virus.
10. Relax and have fun.
The definitive guide on how to give a good blowjob
For more advanced players, like our girl Lily. Here are some superior techniques for giving amazing head and blowing minds.
1. Show enthusiasm. This won’t be hard if you are already turned on. Our greatest sexual organ truly is the mind and your partner will enjoy things a whole lot more if he thinks you are into it.
2. Savour the moment. Go slowly, start by kissing, maybe move onto an ear nibble then slowly kiss all the way down to his penis. Hear the gasp, make eye contact.
3. Gently pull his foreskin back if he is uncircumcised. Wet the head and shaft with your tongue and saliva, then take the very tip of him in your mouth.
4. Flick your tongue along his frenulum – the area directly under the head – which is the most sensitive part of the penis. Wait for it to start throbbing.
5. Take the rest of his shaft in your mouth creating a vacuum, (sucking), and slide up and down building a slow and steady rhythm. Place one of your hands lightly at the base of his penis following gently up and down the shaft.
6. Use your other hand to massage his balls, his backside or any part of his body.
7. Listen to your partner’s breathing, once he starts to breath heavier and quicker, speed up your motion making sure to keep it consistent.
8. If his body is tensing and his penis becomes more rigid and begins pulsing, this is a sure sign he is on the edge of an orgasm. It is important to keep your tempo so he doesn’t lose momentum.
9. Once he has come, his penis will be very sensitive so take your mouth and hands away and revel in the pleasure you’ve just created.
Our best advice is to communicate with your partner and get to understand his likes and dislikes. Over time, your technique and style will change to suit each other.
Finally, my old friend Suzie* has a wonderful take on giving head. Suzie, a successful lawyer, is happily married to Dickie+ and has 3 kids. Back in Year 12 however, we all knew her as ‘the Headmaster’. Suzie was not only known for her prowess, but how she went down willingly and often. In her opinion, “when two people are totally into to each other … y’know, it’s nice to be able to give that person pleasure. There is major upside to the HJ for the giver. It puts you in a powerful position to have a man’s most sensitive organ in your mouth and under your control”.
