The Bachelor In Paradise is about as sexy as a positive STI test

Last night’s debut episode of the latest iteration of the Bachelor franchise saw some of the most familiar – and desperate – faces from past seasons dredged from the bottom of the celebrity barrel for a second chance at fame… I mean love.

The dubious motivations of the cast members were laid hilariously bare during the first episode, when Busted Brett was accused of having a girlfriend back in the Real World.

When confronted by a producer about his apparent treachery, Brett was as slippery as a dead eel that had washed up on the beach, poisoned by a deadly slick of dishonesty and baby oil.

'That’s the premises (sic!) to get here,’ he responded. ‘You had to be single.

‘Let’s just leave it at that.’

Autopsy time – your reality TV career is dead.

Far livelier was the drama sparked by Flo, who we are bluntly told has a ‘history’ with Jake – with true love failing to ignite after they seemingly got to know each other naked one night.

The apparently drunken pre-show encounter was less of a problem than the fact he didn’t follow up afterwards. Until bumping into her on the island.  

Things then proceeded to get very toxic – but not as much as some of the contestants’ faces.

With the amount of Botox and fillers on display among the cast – notably including the men – the Fijian government should have sued (again) for the volume of toxic waste that Australia dumped on their shores during the filming of this show.

Speaking of surgery, it took forever for the show’s promised live wire, Keira to show up – she was left dangling like bait on a hook right at the end, in the desperate hope that we’d all tune in again for more punishment.

I think I’ll schedule a root canal instead.