The most famous woman in the world, who could buy anything she wanted, just loves worthless “joke” gifts.
Then she opened another – this time a plastic shower hat emblazoned with the phrase “Ain’t life a bitch!”
She looked around the room for the culprit and pointed an accusing finger at her grandson Prince Harry, as everyone else in the room collapsed with laughter. Such silly presents are a tradition among the adults in the House of Windsor, who regularly exchange trinkets worth as little as a few dollars.
On these festive occasions, the Queen has unwrapped little doormats, whoopee cushions, and even pots and pans.
One former servant revealed: “When you already have everything, expensive gifts don’t mean much.
“The royals prefer to get something that makes them laugh or a small practical gadget rather than something worth thousands.”
Prince Philip loves novelty items like unusual can openers and corkscrews for family barbecues at Balmoral.
At the start of their marriage, Charles and Diana entered into the spirit of things and exchanged amusing presents as well.
Diana gave Charles some Mickey Mouse socks, and he rewarded his fashion-conscious wife with a tatty hat that an aide had bought for him in a charity shop. One of Charles’ favourite gifts was a white leather loo seat!
As for the royal children, they have always been given proper treats, and no expense is spared. Jewellery, bicycles, mobile phones, fishing rods, computers, and even puppies and ponies have been favourite gifts for the kids.
And no event in the royal calendar is more traditional than the annual Christmas celebrations.
The 8000ha estate in Norfolk is the Queen’s private property and it becomes her base for the festive season until February each year.
Before the Queen leaves to go to Norfolk, she hosts a lunch for her entire family at Buckingham Palace, as some can’t make it to Sandringham.
Her Majesty sends out 750 cards and, of course, receives thousands, but only those from family and close friends are displayed.
Elizabeth gives her staff presents, which they choose themselves from a catalogue, and the price range depends on seniority. Servants queue up to receive their gifts and a thank you from the Queen for another year’s hard work.
As she spends little time in kitchens, the Queen is sometimes puzzled by cooking utensils.
“What on earth is that?” she once asked an aide who had chosen a liquidiser.
The Queen also carries on the delightful tradition of her father and grandfather and distributes Christmas puddings – almost 1500 – to a wide range of staff at all the royal households.
The Christmas cards the Queen and her husband of 71 years send-off normally feature a family photo, signed “Elizabeth R” and “Philip” with the date and the year. She begins the mammoth task of signing them at the beginning of December, sitting down at a palace table with a gold and onyx fountain pen which belonged to her beloved father George VI.
At her side she has special blotting paper on which the imprints of words cannot be read, for security reasons, and any half-written letters are shredded.
Personal cards are signed “with love from Mummy and Papa” to their four children, “Granny and Gramps” to
their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and “Lilibet and Philip” to all the other family members.
Everyone else gets “Elizabeth R” and some are now signed with an “autopen”, which produces a realistic facsimile.
The Queen likes Christmas to be the same every year because it brings back happy childhood memories. She arrives a couple of days before Christmas Eve and personally supervises the preparation of rooms for her family guests.
In the White Drawing Room, servants decorate the Norfolk spruce, felled from the estate, with Queen Victoria’s antique angels and shiny baubles. But the Queen always finishes it off with tinsel and a large star, just as her father once did.
On Christmas Eve, the entire family gathers and takes tea at 4pm in the wood-panelled drawing room, or ‘saloon’.
Sandwiches, home-baked scones, muffins and cakes are washed down with Earl Grey
tea and a special blend of an Indian variety. Everyone then retires to their rooms for a rest before returning at 6pm to the White Drawing Room.
Then, just as the monarch has done since Queen Victoria first started the German tradition of opening presents on Christmas Eve, the Queen gives the signal and everyone dives in.
The Queen’s nephew, the Earl of Snowdon, has described this scene as “total uproar” with great shrieks of laughter greeting the unveilings.
After the gifts have been opened, the royals retire for a bath and the first of many clothes changes.
When the Duchess of York was still a regular, she described Christmas as “exhausting” – not least because over 24 hours she wore seven different outfits!
At 8pm everyone gathers for pre-prandial drinks and the Queen arrives for a dry martini at about 8.15pm.
Fergie recalled: “You never let the Queen beat you down for dinner, end of story – to come in any later would be unimaginably disrespectful.”
The Christmas Eve banquet is a grand occasion with the men dressed in black tie and the ladies in gowns.
A typical dinner will be Norfolk shrimps, lamb or game shot on the estate and a desert of souffle or tarte Tatin. White wine is served with the starter, claret with the main course, and champagne with the dessert.
The family all toast one another as they clink their champagne glasses. But, ironically, few of them actually like the stuff and most gets finished off by the servants as they clear the table afterwards!
The royals have their own bespoke crackers, with gold or silver crowns, containing the normal useless novelties and corny jokes.
The Queen is the only person who doesn’t don her party paper hat, but she does love reading out the one-liners. At around 10pm the ladies take coffee in another room while Prince Philip offer sport and brandy to the men – although at 98, he sometimes retires earlier than in the old days.
They later meet up again for more drinks, but the Queen tends to be in bed by midnight, leaving younger members to carry on the fun.
On Christmas morning the family walks to the nearby church of St Mary Magdalene for a service at 11am. It is one of the few occasions when all the royal family are seen together informally. Hundreds of estate workers and their families, together with locals, queue to see them, and numbers have increased dramatically in recent years with the arrival of William and Kate and Harry and Meghan, and their offspring.
Inside, holly from the Queen’s woodland decorates the silver altar and there is a tree in the nave.
For the collection, the Queen, Philip and Charles each give a £10 note that has been ironed and folded by a valet so that the monarch’s head faces outwards.
The brisk walk in the cold air back to the house is rewarded with a cocktail or some mulled wine in the grand cream and gold drawing room before lunch.
Scarlet-liveried footmen serve a traditional lunch using the Copeland white and blue dinner service bearing George V and Queen Mary’s monogram.
Queen Victoria’s gargantuan Christmas feasts at Windsor Castle used to include a 27kg baron of beef that four men turned on a spit for 10 hours, 50 turkeys, 40 geese and a stuffed boar head. But the present royals eat like the rest of Britain and enjoy turkey with chestnuts, herb stuffing and cranberry sauce with all the trimmings.
The servants leave the room while the family are eating, then enter with the Christmas pudding flaming in brandy.
There is no hanging about, and the entire meal is scoffed down in 90 minutes so that everyone can watch Her Majesty’s Christmas message to the nation on TV at 3pm.
The whole family watches in absolute silence and at the end Prince Philip toasts his wife and raises a glass of brandy to “Her Majesty The Queen”.
The evening meal is a much lighter event and, on the Queen’s orders, traditional Christmas pudding is nowhere to be seen.
Former royal chef Graham Newbould said: “The family are not keen on it or mince pies, so I could be quite bold with other desserts.”
A highly intoxicating chilled pina colada mousse and raspberry coulis made with a large slug of rum always goes down well, while a cold lobster salad topped with caviar is a favourite starter.
The royals help themselves to cold turkey and other leftovers from a buffet table for the main course. Afterwards the TV remains firmly off and everyone plays games.
If Kate’s three children are tired they might be taken back to nearby Anmer Hall by their nanny, but George and Charlotte may be old enough to stay up and join in the fun.
The Queen loves charades and is an excellent mimic, particularly of political figures she knows only too well. She is apparently brilliant at former Russian leader Boris Yeltsin, former British prime minister Tony Blair and various US presidents.
They play board games like Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly, and one year Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? went down a storm, according to servants overhearing the banter.
Ex-employee Charles Oliver recalled that one Christmas, a blindfolded Queen Mum heard a rustle behind the curtains and groped her way towards the sound. She embraced the lurking figure with a hug and kiss as the rest of the family shrieked with laughter.
When she took the blindfold off she saw she had cuddled a footman who had come in with some drinks!
Breakfast on Boxing Day is a filling buffet of kedgeree, bacon and eggs, cereals and toast to set the men up for the traditional shoot.
Prince Philip no longer takes part, but turns up with the Queen to watch keen marksmen Charles, William, Edward, Peter Phillips and Mike Tindall trudge across muddy fields and blast hundreds of birds.
Some younger royals follow along picking up pheasants, partridges and the occasional duck.
If the weather is good the Queen will sometimes go for a walk with her dogs on the beach near Hunstanton, while the men continue their shoot.
Adapted from What’s In The Queen’s Handbag (and Other Royal Secrets) by Phil Dampier and Ashley Walton.
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